I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
