so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
