You don't have asthma, your pregnant
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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