My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
