Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
