My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
