Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.