nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
