he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
