My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
