I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
