I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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