Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
