we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
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I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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