Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
