We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
