apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
