On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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