I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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