i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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