Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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