Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
