it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
