my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
