I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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