Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
