I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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