The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
