i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
