Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
