I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
