I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
