I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
