stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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