We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
