Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
