ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
