I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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