Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
