I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
