i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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