I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
