I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
