had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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