I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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