oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.