4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
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i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
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I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.