So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
