what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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