Pants 0. Shit 1.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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