I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
