You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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