you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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