Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
