my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
