Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
