Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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