Texts From Last Night

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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.

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  (724): Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions. http://tfl.nu/lnut
  Replies (29) Good night (1017) Bad night (2618)
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

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  (225): I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room (1-225): haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom? http://tfl.nu/q6me
  Replies (55) Good night (10491) Bad night (1042)
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  (619): View more from California

  Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep

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  (619): Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep http://tfl.nu/5i99
  Replies (21) Good night (1273) Bad night (2621)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.

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  (713): He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it. http://tfl.nu/91c2
  Replies (23) Good night (7296) Bad night (1036)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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  (765): He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder. http://tfl.nu/7khc
  Replies (81) Good night (16978) Bad night (2865)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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  (908): Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic. http://tfl.nu/hh2b
  Replies (33) Good night (4118) Bad night (5202)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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  (501): we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american" http://tfl.nu/1xh1
  Replies (26) Good night (8037) Bad night (1141)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?

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  (613): Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots? http://tfl.nu/j4og
  Replies (6) Good night (2838) Bad night (942)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

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  (717): Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat http://tfl.nu/dsa2
  Replies (7) Good night (1700) Bad night (908)
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.

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  (260): I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much. http://tfl.nu/tatw
  Replies (5) Good night (1058) Bad night (511)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  The milf did the body paint, come to the bar

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  (334): The milf did the body paint, come to the bar http://tfl.nu/v4xl
  Replies (2) Good night (945) Bad night (416)
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  (831): View more from California

  Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.

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  (831): Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me. http://tfl.nu/beqb
  Replies (6) Good night (639) Bad night (490)
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.

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  (907): I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places. http://tfl.nu/na1m
  Replies (2) Good night (440) Bad night (760)
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  (831): View more from California

  ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.

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  (831): ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty. http://tfl.nu/yaxr
  Replies (2) Good night (485) Bad night (312)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.

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  (+61): I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad. http://tfl.nu/47hi
  Replies (3) Good night (1047) Bad night (272)

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