if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
