i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.